Some Serious Soul Searching...

Alrighty, ye be warned this will most likely be a very long entry, but a really important one for me so I hope that you will all read. Here goes...

So as most of you know I went to the Opera in the Ozarks program this summer/ had my 21st birthday/ will be looking at graduate schools next year, in other words, much more maturing. Also for the past few months I've really been struggling with obsessive thoughts about death after I went to a lecture by a pastor/visited this pastor's church. I've been trying to find a church home here in Wichita during this last semester but without finding one that I've felt at home with. It's been a long process and I've finally decided to look outside the Lutheran churches because the ones that I've tried don't seem right for me. And for the past few months I've spent so much of my time and energy thinking about death that it's gotten to the point where I am shaking and it keeps me from getting to sleep at night. This isn't healthy and I've felt that something has been missing in my life. For a long time I though it was finding a guy who will love me, so I dated off and on, but none of them felt right no matter how many times I tried to convince myself. I felt so alone, no matter how many people might be around me.
It finally hit me why I was having all of these feelings. I have not put God in the place He needs to be in my life. I've ended up distancing myself from Him. It started in my later high school years and only got worse during college. I lived on the fine arts floor my freshman year at WSU and the worse word I used was crap and after living there for 3 months I was cussing like a sailor. I've taken church jobs but never found a church home here in Wichita. I've been so humbled the few days that I've been home. I have always tried to control everything I can, but then I realized...I HAVE NO CONTROL. It's a very scary but humbling thing to realize. I remember how time used to take forever when I was little and all I wanted to do was grow up and that death only happened to old people. In an ironic case, I really want to stop time and grow little again when things seemed simple, but obviously that is impossible. And I've also realized that my life isn't mine, it's His and He may see fit to take me at anytime. Death does apply to me now, not later....


I feel so empowered by the Holy Spirit. I have the hardest time putting my Bible DOWN! I can never remember clinging to my heavenly Father like this before. I hunger for his righteousness and his word, what I'd like to call His love letters to me. I'm dating again, but not with the men of this world. I'm dating the Lord of my heart. He is the love of my life and has never lied to me, cheated on me, or forgotten me. He talkes to me every day in His word. He wants me to talk to Him everyday. He gave me life and the blessings of a wonderful family, friends, and the gift of music. He knows my soul inside and out, even better than I know myself. And as for my two greatest fears, dying and being alone, He did them both...He died alone with all of the sin of the world on His shoulders so that I would never have to. Yes we are all promised an earthly death, but I know that I will live with Him eternally and doing one of my favorite things, singing His praises for all eternity.


It is amazing how different I feel. He has helped me to stop cussing for the few days that I've been here at home with my amazing family in KCMO. He has helped me realize how much I've misjudged my mother. My mother is one of the most amazing women I will ever know. She has loved me more deeply that I can ever imagine and prays for my well being daily. And my dad, I could never imagine having anyone else that is supposed to resemble my relationship with my heavenly father. My dad is such a godly man. He walks humbly with his Lord and it shows in the way he lives his life and how he cares for his children and his wife. I HAVE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH TO BE GRATEFUL FOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I'm still evaluating things in my life, but now that I've taken the time to have some perspective I know that God will show me the way. I've been looking at getting my masters in music education. God has given me a desire to nurture, and maybe his plan isn't for me to perform opera, maybe I'm supposed to teach. I feel that I have so much care and such a desire to nurture, to help others. I have been increadibly selfish thus far in my life, and especially in college. I want to be plyable so that God will use me for His purpose, not my own. I love life and I'm so excited for what God has instore for me. To Him be all the glory.