Rough day...woof...

Hello all….wow what a day…..


Yesterday one thing became very apparent….my parents know me extremely well! They can sense something is wrong before I will even acknowledge it myself. And they are so supportive! So let's have a big cheer for amazing parents!


Yesterday was quite emotionally draining. Not going into all the specifics, but to sum up I don't exactly have the best self image, never have. I'm still in the process of learning to at least accept myself and hopefully one day love myself. I can never focus on any of my accomplishments; I always look at my failures and what I lack.


I look at myself and I see more things I dislike about myself than like. Starting with physical appearances….When I look in the mirror and I don't see pretty. I don't like my physical appearance aka weight, face, hair, etc. Spiritually there is on heck of a battle going on. I see all of my short comings. I see my selfishness and greed. I see my laziness when I don't want to do school work, helping others, daily devotionals I see the people I've let down whether that is people at work, school, friends, family, etc. I see people I've hurt by things I've said or didn't say. I see people I've burdened with my emotional baggage and personal struggles and have been blind to their struggles and pain. I see how weak my faith truly is and that I'm not giving God complete control over everything in my life….It's kind of like I'm the front seat passenger wanna-be-driver. God's driving but I still want to grab the wheel from the passenger seat and of course when I do that I make things worse. I see myself being angry at Him for not letting me be able to control things and allowing certain aspects of my life cause me such anxiety and pain, pain that started when I was very young, pain that no child should have to go through that I still battle everyday. I feel so alone and even abandoned at times. My parents try to help with my battle, but as much as they try to understand, they can't because it isn't their battle, it's mine to face. But I treasure their support and prayers more than anything. Sometimes I feel that I give so much to work, school, other's issues that I don't leave anything to support myself with. I have no self support, no strength left for me when I need it.


I feel happiest when I am able to serve others. When I can teach my voice students the joys of music and performing. Times when I can support my friends through their times of hardship. Brightening someone's day by just doing a random act of kindness. I long to be of service to the people around me because I feel needed, that I am useful. It's probably the one thing about myself that I can honestly say I have no negative thoughts towards.


I pray that God would take this negativity away from me, the personal battle that I've gone through for 12 years and still fight daily, that I would be able to be the person worthy of His love. But that's when it hits me…God allows these circumstances and trials because it forces me to rely on Him. It's these kinds of things that strengthen my faith. And growing in faith is apart of the living process. He has promised to be with me and I shall forever cling to His promises:


"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." –Isaiah 41:10


"My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." –Psalm 73:26


"Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you." –Deuteronomy 31:6


"I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you." –John 14:18


"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." –Psalm 46:1


"Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." -1Peter 5:7


"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." –James 1:2-4