Well, needless to say based on my subject heading I feel loads better today, with the exception of actually getting a good look at my bruises, one of which on my back thigh is truly a black/purple sight to behold.
A great deal of my anger is gone today, as well as the majority of my frustration. Yesterday was one of those days when everything hits you at once, and being increadibly tired and sore does not help things. I'm not taking anything away from how I felt yesterday and how I still feel today, but I have a peace about those things today that wasn't there yesterday. This I know is only God's doing. It is His way of letting me know that everything will work out. He answered 3 of my prayers today and I know that there will be more answered prayer in the future.
I think the majority of His peace comes to me in music. Today I took myself out to lunch. It's something that I feel that I should do, even if I don't have anyone to go out to eat with me, I need to remind myself that it's okay to go out to eat at a restaurant or to a movie by myself. I occasionally get frustrated with the looks of pity I receive as I tell the hostess that it's a table of one, but life goes on. I went to Bella Luna today just for some hummas and a cup of tea. It was just such a calm for me. I have been on the go so much, and despite the fact that I've been sick for over a week, I never took the time to relax. Today lots of memories hit me as I ate lunch. There was a musician playing inside and I watched 3 finches have a tug of war outside with a piece of soft pita. Honestly there is something about watching birds and squirrels that is just enjoyable and relaxing.
I often remember my grandmother watching the birds and squirrels with me. I think of her a great deal this time of the year. Her birthday was October 29 and she passed away within a few days of that almost 10 years ago. It seems absolutely insane that it's been that long. I never really stopped to count how many years it's been. None the less I still think about her this time of year. She was my best friend growing up. I still miss her, immensely. I miss her smelling of vicks vapor rub, watching "The Young and the Restless" and "The Lawrence Welk Show" even though I was only in elementary school at the time, playing rummy, attempting to help her cook, sewing doll dresses, grocery shopping with her and my aunt every saturday and climbing the shelves for the items they couldn't reach, hearing this ridiculous sniff my grandma did 24/7 which made her easy to locate....so many memories. I didn't cry when we found her. I didn't cry when the paramedics took her away. I only cried when everyone left and I crawled into her bed to remember how she smelled. Wow this faith blog took a different direction than I was planning. I think I miss her more this year than I ever have before. Long story short, I thought of her today as I watched the birds outside of the restaurant. I think a majority of the reason why I've finally allowed myself to miss her is because I always knew how she felt about me as a child or as a teenager. I want to know how she would view me as a woman. I still want her words of wisdom and encouragement, her sarcasm and humor, how she would view me going to college for music, etc. Her opinion of me, after to my parents', was the most important.
It is one of those things that just naturally comes with this season for me. But as I sat and watched the birds, I couldn't help but smile and forget some of the things weighing on my heart. My grandma was on to something with this whole bird/squirrel watching bit. It reminded me of the scripture I heard on the radio this morning, "let all that have breath praise the lord." Notice that there isn't the word people in there. Everything that has breath....Today I learned a lesson I'm sure my grandmother learned long ago. Man is created in God's image, but the animal kingdom also glorifies our creator as well. Basically I'm just saying that we should all stop and admire the handiwork of our Creator. Yes the universe is huge and we are so increadibly small, but even in the vastness of the universe God took the time to create such detail in each bird, flower, etc. Look at His handiwork and admire that he took such time and effort in the smallest of creatures on this little blue speck we call Earth in the whole of the universe. That He was willing and is still willing to put so much time and energy into our lives. It's pretty breathtaking in my book.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Need an energy boost...le sigh....
Well my week has been interesting for sure....whew....
The week started off just fine, especially on Tuesday. I took my little from BBBS to her first choir concert and she loved it! I also found out that this girl hasn't seen loads of Disney movies, including The Little Mermaid!!! Crazy! So now I'm on a mission to Disney-fy this child. Well, none of my voice students showed up for their voice lessons on Wednesday, so that stunk. Thursday I found an apartment that filled every need I had and I reserved it. I was very grateful that God supplied my need, but I really hate having to move, not just because of the moving itself, but because I really like my apartment that I have. If it wasn't for the gas/ commute, I wouldn't be moving at all. So I kind of had buyer's remorse after putting down my non-refundable $100 for the new place. Also on Thursday my church membership was transfered to St. Andrew's from my home church Holy Cross in KCMO, which is a huge deal for me since Holy Cross was the center of my life until I left for college and it's been hard knowing that it isn't the same parish I grew up with, leaving those memories and moving on was/is difficult for me....Low and behold Thursday night (I'm house sitting Thurs-Sat) I come down with something yucky. I woke up Friday sore all over and drainage running down a dry sore throat, gah....The ironic part is that I am house sitting/ watching 3 girls that are a Christian Science family. Christian Scientists don't believe in disease....and hence forth they don't believe in medicine....wah....So I went into work later since Tobi was willing to cover part of my shift, and I felt like poo....tried to sleep as much as possible today and went into work and still feel like poo....and work has been insane today....unhappy guests to smoke alarms, joy.....
Long story short I really had no fun time this week, everything felt like work. I realized this week that I NEED to make time through out the week for myself so I'm not driving myself to physical and spiritual exhaustion, hence forth why I am probably sick. I also found out that my great aunt Minnie passed away on Wednesday. I wasn't very close to her and I didn't get to see her very often, but I still treasure the memories of the few visits I had with her from when I was young. Two stand out in my mind, one when I was in elementary school and another when I was in middle school. I still remember the cards she sent me and the one thing I will always remember were her hands. They were beautiful, she took pride in having her nails painted and her hands soft. These memories may not seem like much to you, but no matter how small or short the memory is, it still reminds me of her warm spirit. It makes me feel that I could have done more to enrich her life. I could have called her, written her letters and sent cards. It's times like this that I realize how selfish I can be.
God created our bodies to let us know when we are working them too hard. Guess this is my wake up call. A small price to pay, but a lesson worth learning.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." -Matthew 11:28-29
Basically it has come to my realization that I still don't let God have full control. Despite the fact that I really don't have any control over anything, when I think that I have some say in things, they get worse. I look at the things in my life that I put so much of my energy into. It seems like I'm putting my energy to waste a lot of the time. I pour out my affection on people who don't want or care for it, things I want instead of focusing on others' needs, etc. I shouldn't put my time and energy into these frivolous worldly cares. What I do need to put my energy into is the well being of others. I need to re-establish what it means to be a servant, but in the right way. Yes I need to make time to rest my body and soul, but at the same time when I do "work", I need to put my energy to better use.
"Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me." -John 12:26
The week started off just fine, especially on Tuesday. I took my little from BBBS to her first choir concert and she loved it! I also found out that this girl hasn't seen loads of Disney movies, including The Little Mermaid!!! Crazy! So now I'm on a mission to Disney-fy this child. Well, none of my voice students showed up for their voice lessons on Wednesday, so that stunk. Thursday I found an apartment that filled every need I had and I reserved it. I was very grateful that God supplied my need, but I really hate having to move, not just because of the moving itself, but because I really like my apartment that I have. If it wasn't for the gas/ commute, I wouldn't be moving at all. So I kind of had buyer's remorse after putting down my non-refundable $100 for the new place. Also on Thursday my church membership was transfered to St. Andrew's from my home church Holy Cross in KCMO, which is a huge deal for me since Holy Cross was the center of my life until I left for college and it's been hard knowing that it isn't the same parish I grew up with, leaving those memories and moving on was/is difficult for me....Low and behold Thursday night (I'm house sitting Thurs-Sat) I come down with something yucky. I woke up Friday sore all over and drainage running down a dry sore throat, gah....The ironic part is that I am house sitting/ watching 3 girls that are a Christian Science family. Christian Scientists don't believe in disease....and hence forth they don't believe in medicine....wah....So I went into work later since Tobi was willing to cover part of my shift, and I felt like poo....tried to sleep as much as possible today and went into work and still feel like poo....and work has been insane today....unhappy guests to smoke alarms, joy.....
Long story short I really had no fun time this week, everything felt like work. I realized this week that I NEED to make time through out the week for myself so I'm not driving myself to physical and spiritual exhaustion, hence forth why I am probably sick. I also found out that my great aunt Minnie passed away on Wednesday. I wasn't very close to her and I didn't get to see her very often, but I still treasure the memories of the few visits I had with her from when I was young. Two stand out in my mind, one when I was in elementary school and another when I was in middle school. I still remember the cards she sent me and the one thing I will always remember were her hands. They were beautiful, she took pride in having her nails painted and her hands soft. These memories may not seem like much to you, but no matter how small or short the memory is, it still reminds me of her warm spirit. It makes me feel that I could have done more to enrich her life. I could have called her, written her letters and sent cards. It's times like this that I realize how selfish I can be.
God created our bodies to let us know when we are working them too hard. Guess this is my wake up call. A small price to pay, but a lesson worth learning.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." -Matthew 11:28-29
Basically it has come to my realization that I still don't let God have full control. Despite the fact that I really don't have any control over anything, when I think that I have some say in things, they get worse. I look at the things in my life that I put so much of my energy into. It seems like I'm putting my energy to waste a lot of the time. I pour out my affection on people who don't want or care for it, things I want instead of focusing on others' needs, etc. I shouldn't put my time and energy into these frivolous worldly cares. What I do need to put my energy into is the well being of others. I need to re-establish what it means to be a servant, but in the right way. Yes I need to make time to rest my body and soul, but at the same time when I do "work", I need to put my energy to better use.
"Whoever serves me must follow me; and where I am, my servant also will be. My Father will honor the one who serves me." -John 12:26
Long time, no blog...how about a spiritual fruit smoothie to make up for it?
So how about it? Spiritual Fruit Smoothie? Any takers?
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." -Galations 5:22
I do apologize for the 21 day lapse in entries, that was definitely not intended. That being said, I hope that you all are well and that you see the Father's hand at work in your lives in His wonderous ways. Lately I've been working on my Spiritual Fruit Smoothie. It's quite a delicious enrichment for my soul. As some of you know there is a certain someone in my life that I care for very much. This person has been hurt in the past and is it seen through their actions. Many people have told me to walk away and that he isn't worth my time and care. I am in disagreement with that statement.
We all have been broken in many ways, spiritually and physically. We all take time to heal these wounds, and maybe we just need the right person to come along and be patient with us while we heal. Find the right person to be compassionate and understanding. God would always be tender-hearted, understanding and patient with His children, why should we treat each other any differently?
I am not saying that we can all be perfect like God, but we should strive to be more like Him. Focus on each of the fruits of the Spirit. Take time to fully understand what they mean. There are 3 things that have become increadibly clear to me over the past few weeks: 1) God is constantly showing off! He is forever molding me and shaping me for His service and always puts me in awe of His glory. 2) Patience truly is a virtue. I never realized how impatient I was until these past few weeks. He has taught me so much on patience, just because of this situation. 3) Silence is not a bad thing. Why I've always been afraid of silence is now a mystery to me. All the noises of this world can be a distraction from the silent time our heavenly Father wants to have with us, to speak to us. Be still an know that He is God!
So basically life has been fairly busy for me over the past few weeks, but in amazing ways. God has answered my financial prayers and given me a job teaching private voice lessons at West High School. What a gift and it's something that I love! God also gave me the opportunity to have the role I wanted in Street Scene, which tells me that He truly wants me to perform as well as teach. I had doubts about my performing as a career and I prayed about it and He answered. I am learning patience and an alarmingly fast rate. On the other hand however, my patience for my diet to be done is not so great. So spiritually my diet is going to be Spiritual Fruit Smoothies for a little bit. I hope some of you take the time for your own Spiritual Fruit Smoothie this week and think about how satisfying they are to your soul! God Bless!
"And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light." - Colossians 1:10-12
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." -Galations 5:22
I do apologize for the 21 day lapse in entries, that was definitely not intended. That being said, I hope that you all are well and that you see the Father's hand at work in your lives in His wonderous ways. Lately I've been working on my Spiritual Fruit Smoothie. It's quite a delicious enrichment for my soul. As some of you know there is a certain someone in my life that I care for very much. This person has been hurt in the past and is it seen through their actions. Many people have told me to walk away and that he isn't worth my time and care. I am in disagreement with that statement.
We all have been broken in many ways, spiritually and physically. We all take time to heal these wounds, and maybe we just need the right person to come along and be patient with us while we heal. Find the right person to be compassionate and understanding. God would always be tender-hearted, understanding and patient with His children, why should we treat each other any differently?
I am not saying that we can all be perfect like God, but we should strive to be more like Him. Focus on each of the fruits of the Spirit. Take time to fully understand what they mean. There are 3 things that have become increadibly clear to me over the past few weeks: 1) God is constantly showing off! He is forever molding me and shaping me for His service and always puts me in awe of His glory. 2) Patience truly is a virtue. I never realized how impatient I was until these past few weeks. He has taught me so much on patience, just because of this situation. 3) Silence is not a bad thing. Why I've always been afraid of silence is now a mystery to me. All the noises of this world can be a distraction from the silent time our heavenly Father wants to have with us, to speak to us. Be still an know that He is God!
So basically life has been fairly busy for me over the past few weeks, but in amazing ways. God has answered my financial prayers and given me a job teaching private voice lessons at West High School. What a gift and it's something that I love! God also gave me the opportunity to have the role I wanted in Street Scene, which tells me that He truly wants me to perform as well as teach. I had doubts about my performing as a career and I prayed about it and He answered. I am learning patience and an alarmingly fast rate. On the other hand however, my patience for my diet to be done is not so great. So spiritually my diet is going to be Spiritual Fruit Smoothies for a little bit. I hope some of you take the time for your own Spiritual Fruit Smoothie this week and think about how satisfying they are to your soul! God Bless!
"And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light." - Colossians 1:10-12
Joy in the morning
Sweet vs. Sarcastic:
"This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!"
vs.
"This is the day the Lord has made, so don't screw it up!"
Either way the message gets across, haha. So today I feel LOADS better than I have all week. God in his amazing show off way has yet again amazed me.
Yesterday I was really down as I have been all week and unfortunately due to choked emotions, my singing sounded awful. Crying really effects my vocal chords due to the physical stress placed on my body, which of course aggrivated me to no end this week, especially since it was auditions week. I've been so busy this week that I just kept putting of practicing my harp. I love playing it and I initially took up the instrument because it was so thereputic for me. My previous teacher pushed me to do competitions and to perform, but that simply made me afraid and took the joy out of the music for me. Yesterday I just wanted a release, just a way to release all the negative emotions I'd been feeling the whole week and I couldn't do it by my usual way of singing. I went to the harp room to go practice and I couldn't find my music! Wah! So after searching for about half an hour, I gave up and pulled out the piece I began last spring. I can honestly say I've never played better. It was such an improvement on my playing, but more importantly it was a huge emotional release for me.
I had my harp lesson this morning and I've never seen my teacher so surprised. For 4 years she has struggled to help me relearn how to enjoy the harp. She told me that she had nothing to say about my playing, that I was playing increadibly well. It was such an encouraging thing to hear. I have a renewed love of harp, and what a gift from Him. He knew the desires of my heart and gave me a wonderful gift to embrace, comfort, and strengthen my heart.
I woke up this morning and with God as my only explaination, I've had a smile on my face and in my heart all day. I love rainy days, puts me in a grab a cup of tea and a good book/ cuddle with a blanket mood. I've had some wonderful conversations the last few days as well as encouraging blog posts and some heavenly hints as well. The title of the entry was inspired by a segment I heard on K-Love this afternoon. We all go through many nights, but there is always joy in the morning. It's so true! Each day is a clean slate, a fresh start and we should give thanks for the precious gift of time and the beauty and love God surrounds us with everyday. I should never let any negativity from yesterday or tomorrow ruin the gift of today God has given me. That's why it's called the present . As emotionally trying as this week has been, I need to remember that each day is new with opportunity. Yes things in life may get me down and can effect my mood, but one thing that is certain is that happiness is a choice. I can choose to mope around in whatever situation I find myself in, or I can choose to make the best of it and focus on the good things.
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." -Phillipians 4:8
Despite how the devil is trying to keep my mind focused on the negative, I must focus on the positive. I must enjoy the countless gifts God has given me. When I have these times of hardship, it is so easy to take all of my blessings for granted. I hope that God will always open my eyes to the wonder of His works and His plan. I am so excited to see what He has planned for me and for all of us. I know that His plan will be more spectacular and wonderous that I could ever imagine. And if we go through trials, it is for the perfection of our faith. We are being put through the fire to be refined for His work. I want to Him to be able to use me, and in order for me to be useable, I need to cast my care on Him, rely on Him to make me strong, and trust that He will rescue me from the evil in this world that can plague both our bodies and souls.
Blessed be our God! God of wonders, God of gracious gifts, and the God and Ruler of our hearts and minds!
"This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it!"
vs.
"This is the day the Lord has made, so don't screw it up!"
Either way the message gets across, haha. So today I feel LOADS better than I have all week. God in his amazing show off way has yet again amazed me.
Yesterday I was really down as I have been all week and unfortunately due to choked emotions, my singing sounded awful. Crying really effects my vocal chords due to the physical stress placed on my body, which of course aggrivated me to no end this week, especially since it was auditions week. I've been so busy this week that I just kept putting of practicing my harp. I love playing it and I initially took up the instrument because it was so thereputic for me. My previous teacher pushed me to do competitions and to perform, but that simply made me afraid and took the joy out of the music for me. Yesterday I just wanted a release, just a way to release all the negative emotions I'd been feeling the whole week and I couldn't do it by my usual way of singing. I went to the harp room to go practice and I couldn't find my music! Wah! So after searching for about half an hour, I gave up and pulled out the piece I began last spring. I can honestly say I've never played better. It was such an improvement on my playing, but more importantly it was a huge emotional release for me.
I had my harp lesson this morning and I've never seen my teacher so surprised. For 4 years she has struggled to help me relearn how to enjoy the harp. She told me that she had nothing to say about my playing, that I was playing increadibly well. It was such an encouraging thing to hear. I have a renewed love of harp, and what a gift from Him. He knew the desires of my heart and gave me a wonderful gift to embrace, comfort, and strengthen my heart.
I woke up this morning and with God as my only explaination, I've had a smile on my face and in my heart all day. I love rainy days, puts me in a grab a cup of tea and a good book/ cuddle with a blanket mood. I've had some wonderful conversations the last few days as well as encouraging blog posts and some heavenly hints as well. The title of the entry was inspired by a segment I heard on K-Love this afternoon. We all go through many nights, but there is always joy in the morning. It's so true! Each day is a clean slate, a fresh start and we should give thanks for the precious gift of time and the beauty and love God surrounds us with everyday. I should never let any negativity from yesterday or tomorrow ruin the gift of today God has given me. That's why it's called the present . As emotionally trying as this week has been, I need to remember that each day is new with opportunity. Yes things in life may get me down and can effect my mood, but one thing that is certain is that happiness is a choice. I can choose to mope around in whatever situation I find myself in, or I can choose to make the best of it and focus on the good things.
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." -Phillipians 4:8
Despite how the devil is trying to keep my mind focused on the negative, I must focus on the positive. I must enjoy the countless gifts God has given me. When I have these times of hardship, it is so easy to take all of my blessings for granted. I hope that God will always open my eyes to the wonder of His works and His plan. I am so excited to see what He has planned for me and for all of us. I know that His plan will be more spectacular and wonderous that I could ever imagine. And if we go through trials, it is for the perfection of our faith. We are being put through the fire to be refined for His work. I want to Him to be able to use me, and in order for me to be useable, I need to cast my care on Him, rely on Him to make me strong, and trust that He will rescue me from the evil in this world that can plague both our bodies and souls.
Blessed be our God! God of wonders, God of gracious gifts, and the God and Ruler of our hearts and minds!
Still roughing it, but on the down hill slope
Well, this week has been less than desireable.....
Due to increadibly emotionally draining weekend my voice lessons this week have been awful. Apparently that much crying really screws up my vocal chords and I've just been emotionally drained so it's been to the point that I'm just so physically worn out...all week...
Auditions were on Wednesday and I felt that mine went fairly well, but now they aren't posting the call back list for Street Scene until next week = weekend of mental torcher.
And to top it all off I've had the death thoughts returning A LOT this week.
........... so basically I feel like a complete nut case............
"Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning. You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety. You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid, and many will court your favor." -Job 11:17-19
"Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old." -Psalm 25:4-6
"In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you." -Psalm 33:21-22
"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." -Psalm 42:5
I hope that the week will get easier. I hate that these thoughts are entering back into my mind. And I feel as if I'm a burden still to those who I've talked to about what's been on my mind lately. It's gradually becoming easier as the week progresses, but it's still difficult. Today I could cry at the drop of a hat. I am just competely drained and I hope that church on Sunday will help revive me. The most difficult part will be getting through my Friday/ Saturday shifts at work this weekend. That is where I feel most alone and vulnerable to my thoughts...note to self go buy some books to read before my shift tomorrow.
On a side note though I do get to hang out with my Little on Saturday morning. I'm picking her up in the morning and we are going bowling and grabbing some lunch afterwards. I'm hoping that it will provide a release for me as well as her.
I just really need to be around happy people. Joy is contagious and boy do I need some. Right now in my life I can't stand to be alone. Normally I don't have a problem with it, I'm kind of used to being a loner, but now I think I've just had too much time alone. I need to be around my strong Christian friends and happy people. God did provide the opportunity for me to spend time with people tonight and for that I'm truly grateful. He knows my needs and he fufills them. Keep me in your prayers and if you would like to hang out sometime this week I would love to have the opportunity to enjoy your company.
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." -Ephesians 3:16-21
Due to increadibly emotionally draining weekend my voice lessons this week have been awful. Apparently that much crying really screws up my vocal chords and I've just been emotionally drained so it's been to the point that I'm just so physically worn out...all week...
Auditions were on Wednesday and I felt that mine went fairly well, but now they aren't posting the call back list for Street Scene until next week = weekend of mental torcher.
And to top it all off I've had the death thoughts returning A LOT this week.
........... so basically I feel like a complete nut case............
"Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning. You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety. You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid, and many will court your favor." -Job 11:17-19
"Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old." -Psalm 25:4-6
"In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you." -Psalm 33:21-22
"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." -Psalm 42:5
I hope that the week will get easier. I hate that these thoughts are entering back into my mind. And I feel as if I'm a burden still to those who I've talked to about what's been on my mind lately. It's gradually becoming easier as the week progresses, but it's still difficult. Today I could cry at the drop of a hat. I am just competely drained and I hope that church on Sunday will help revive me. The most difficult part will be getting through my Friday/ Saturday shifts at work this weekend. That is where I feel most alone and vulnerable to my thoughts...note to self go buy some books to read before my shift tomorrow.
On a side note though I do get to hang out with my Little on Saturday morning. I'm picking her up in the morning and we are going bowling and grabbing some lunch afterwards. I'm hoping that it will provide a release for me as well as her.
I just really need to be around happy people. Joy is contagious and boy do I need some. Right now in my life I can't stand to be alone. Normally I don't have a problem with it, I'm kind of used to being a loner, but now I think I've just had too much time alone. I need to be around my strong Christian friends and happy people. God did provide the opportunity for me to spend time with people tonight and for that I'm truly grateful. He knows my needs and he fufills them. Keep me in your prayers and if you would like to hang out sometime this week I would love to have the opportunity to enjoy your company.
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." -Ephesians 3:16-21
Rough day...woof...
Hello all….wow what a day…..
Yesterday one thing became very apparent….my parents know me extremely well! They can sense something is wrong before I will even acknowledge it myself. And they are so supportive! So let's have a big cheer for amazing parents!
Yesterday was quite emotionally draining. Not going into all the specifics, but to sum up I don't exactly have the best self image, never have. I'm still in the process of learning to at least accept myself and hopefully one day love myself. I can never focus on any of my accomplishments; I always look at my failures and what I lack.
I look at myself and I see more things I dislike about myself than like. Starting with physical appearances….When I look in the mirror and I don't see pretty. I don't like my physical appearance aka weight, face, hair, etc. Spiritually there is on heck of a battle going on. I see all of my short comings. I see my selfishness and greed. I see my laziness when I don't want to do school work, helping others, daily devotionals I see the people I've let down whether that is people at work, school, friends, family, etc. I see people I've hurt by things I've said or didn't say. I see people I've burdened with my emotional baggage and personal struggles and have been blind to their struggles and pain. I see how weak my faith truly is and that I'm not giving God complete control over everything in my life….It's kind of like I'm the front seat passenger wanna-be-driver. God's driving but I still want to grab the wheel from the passenger seat and of course when I do that I make things worse. I see myself being angry at Him for not letting me be able to control things and allowing certain aspects of my life cause me such anxiety and pain, pain that started when I was very young, pain that no child should have to go through that I still battle everyday. I feel so alone and even abandoned at times. My parents try to help with my battle, but as much as they try to understand, they can't because it isn't their battle, it's mine to face. But I treasure their support and prayers more than anything. Sometimes I feel that I give so much to work, school, other's issues that I don't leave anything to support myself with. I have no self support, no strength left for me when I need it.
I feel happiest when I am able to serve others. When I can teach my voice students the joys of music and performing. Times when I can support my friends through their times of hardship. Brightening someone's day by just doing a random act of kindness. I long to be of service to the people around me because I feel needed, that I am useful. It's probably the one thing about myself that I can honestly say I have no negative thoughts towards.
I pray that God would take this negativity away from me, the personal battle that I've gone through for 12 years and still fight daily, that I would be able to be the person worthy of His love. But that's when it hits me…God allows these circumstances and trials because it forces me to rely on Him. It's these kinds of things that strengthen my faith. And growing in faith is apart of the living process. He has promised to be with me and I shall forever cling to His promises:
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." –Isaiah 41:10
"My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." –Psalm 73:26
"Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you." –Deuteronomy 31:6
"I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you." –John 14:18
"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." –Psalm 46:1
"Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." -1Peter 5:7
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." –James 1:2-4
Yesterday one thing became very apparent….my parents know me extremely well! They can sense something is wrong before I will even acknowledge it myself. And they are so supportive! So let's have a big cheer for amazing parents!
Yesterday was quite emotionally draining. Not going into all the specifics, but to sum up I don't exactly have the best self image, never have. I'm still in the process of learning to at least accept myself and hopefully one day love myself. I can never focus on any of my accomplishments; I always look at my failures and what I lack.
I look at myself and I see more things I dislike about myself than like. Starting with physical appearances….When I look in the mirror and I don't see pretty. I don't like my physical appearance aka weight, face, hair, etc. Spiritually there is on heck of a battle going on. I see all of my short comings. I see my selfishness and greed. I see my laziness when I don't want to do school work, helping others, daily devotionals I see the people I've let down whether that is people at work, school, friends, family, etc. I see people I've hurt by things I've said or didn't say. I see people I've burdened with my emotional baggage and personal struggles and have been blind to their struggles and pain. I see how weak my faith truly is and that I'm not giving God complete control over everything in my life….It's kind of like I'm the front seat passenger wanna-be-driver. God's driving but I still want to grab the wheel from the passenger seat and of course when I do that I make things worse. I see myself being angry at Him for not letting me be able to control things and allowing certain aspects of my life cause me such anxiety and pain, pain that started when I was very young, pain that no child should have to go through that I still battle everyday. I feel so alone and even abandoned at times. My parents try to help with my battle, but as much as they try to understand, they can't because it isn't their battle, it's mine to face. But I treasure their support and prayers more than anything. Sometimes I feel that I give so much to work, school, other's issues that I don't leave anything to support myself with. I have no self support, no strength left for me when I need it.
I feel happiest when I am able to serve others. When I can teach my voice students the joys of music and performing. Times when I can support my friends through their times of hardship. Brightening someone's day by just doing a random act of kindness. I long to be of service to the people around me because I feel needed, that I am useful. It's probably the one thing about myself that I can honestly say I have no negative thoughts towards.
I pray that God would take this negativity away from me, the personal battle that I've gone through for 12 years and still fight daily, that I would be able to be the person worthy of His love. But that's when it hits me…God allows these circumstances and trials because it forces me to rely on Him. It's these kinds of things that strengthen my faith. And growing in faith is apart of the living process. He has promised to be with me and I shall forever cling to His promises:
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." –Isaiah 41:10
"My flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." –Psalm 73:26
"Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you." –Deuteronomy 31:6
"I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you." –John 14:18
"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble." –Psalm 46:1
"Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." -1Peter 5:7
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." –James 1:2-4
...backsliding....argh...
So long story short.....I screwed up today.....le sigh.....
I've been rather irritable today because of stress for opera auditions and learning a monologue/ getting homework done/ scheduling in new voice students for lessons/ volunteering for BBBG/ getting basically back into the swing of school and the ridiculous homework load that goes with it/ and last but not least finding out that i have the wrong german workbook and that I wasn't sent the correct music history anthology I ordered and I now have to ship them back..............and wait longer to get the actually copies while I'm supposed to be doing homework in them in the mean time?....argh......
Long story tried to be made short....My parents and little sister came to visit me this weekend and I'm excited to spend time with them.....however my apartment isn't exactly clean because I've been trying to get the above things figured out amongst other things, and I had to come in early today which was valuable time to get cleaning/ homework/ etc done.....but what do I do when my mom comes over to talk? I bite her head off for no reason! WHY?! I have no idea....she didn't deserve it, that's for sure. Now she's talking about leaving tomorrow afternoon....argh....
I'm so frustrated with myself because I'm falling into the old habits. I'm letting myself become obsessed with work and school again, and that's not what I want. I want to keep my faith my focus. I realize that when my faith looses the main focus, that's when I get irritable with people or get into foul moods, become upset, etc. I'm just tired plain and simple and I don't have enough hours in the day to get done what I want to get done. I also need to remind myself that it's okay to say no to people...I need to learn how to other wise I will continue down this path of frustration.
"By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another." - John 13:35
"For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things." - 1 John 3:20
"Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water." -Hebrews 10:22
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passes away; behold, all things have become new." -2 Corinthians 5:17
"For he who lacks these things is shortsighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he was purged from his old sins. Therefore, brotheren, be even more diligent to make your calling and election sure, for if you do these things you will never stumble." -2 Peter 1:9-10
"I will heal their backsliding, I will love them freely, for My anger has turned away from him." - Hosea 14:4
So first things first, I need to apologize to my mom and somehow make up for my rudeness to her. Secondly I need to stop consistantly worrying about what all of the little stuff, because in the long run it's really not going to matter all that much. And most importantly I need to share my concerns with God, period.
So as the school year gets started....keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I continue to try and reprioritize my life.
"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!" -Psalm 27:13-14
I've been rather irritable today because of stress for opera auditions and learning a monologue/ getting homework done/ scheduling in new voice students for lessons/ volunteering for BBBG/ getting basically back into the swing of school and the ridiculous homework load that goes with it/ and last but not least finding out that i have the wrong german workbook and that I wasn't sent the correct music history anthology I ordered and I now have to ship them back..............and wait longer to get the actually copies while I'm supposed to be doing homework in them in the mean time?....argh......
Long story tried to be made short....My parents and little sister came to visit me this weekend and I'm excited to spend time with them.....however my apartment isn't exactly clean because I've been trying to get the above things figured out amongst other things, and I had to come in early today which was valuable time to get cleaning/ homework/ etc done.....but what do I do when my mom comes over to talk? I bite her head off for no reason! WHY?! I have no idea....she didn't deserve it, that's for sure. Now she's talking about leaving tomorrow afternoon....argh....
I'm so frustrated with myself because I'm falling into the old habits. I'm letting myself become obsessed with work and school again, and that's not what I want. I want to keep my faith my focus. I realize that when my faith looses the main focus, that's when I get irritable with people or get into foul moods, become upset, etc. I'm just tired plain and simple and I don't have enough hours in the day to get done what I want to get done. I also need to remind myself that it's okay to say no to people...I need to learn how to other wise I will continue down this path of frustration.
"By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another." - John 13:35
"For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and knows all things." - 1 John 3:20
"Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water." -Hebrews 10:22
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passes away; behold, all things have become new." -2 Corinthians 5:17
"For he who lacks these things is shortsighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he was purged from his old sins. Therefore, brotheren, be even more diligent to make your calling and election sure, for if you do these things you will never stumble." -2 Peter 1:9-10
"I will heal their backsliding, I will love them freely, for My anger has turned away from him." - Hosea 14:4
So first things first, I need to apologize to my mom and somehow make up for my rudeness to her. Secondly I need to stop consistantly worrying about what all of the little stuff, because in the long run it's really not going to matter all that much. And most importantly I need to share my concerns with God, period.
So as the school year gets started....keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I continue to try and reprioritize my life.
"I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord!" -Psalm 27:13-14
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